You are sleeping right now, and so I should be sleeping too, but I can't. I'm awake with worry.
Do you remember Gertrude at all? I have a sad feeling Gertrude won't live long enough for you to have any memories of her. You will just think of her as the rescue mastiff Mom and Dad had when I was a baby.
Gertrude is sick right now. Not with anything super serious, she has an infected paw which is swollen to the size of a grapefruit. Its her shaking paw. She always puts it up in people's lap and they think she's trying to shake hands with them. Really, its just because that is her weak leg, but it makes people feel special, so I never mention this.
We're taking her to the Vet tomorrow, and hopefully it won't be anything to serious or expensive to treat. But I'm still worried. I worry because I hate to see her obviously in pain. Her being sick, even with something I'm sure is not too serious, makes me think of her mortality. She was at least 5 or older when we got her two years ago, and Mastiffs, generally don't live past 10 years. So, at best, we probably only have a handful of years. I want so badly for you to grow up together, but that may not happen. We have to take what we get.
Having you has created a whole new depth of love in my life. I see everything as more precious and special. The downside of this, is I also see the fragility of life. The more you have, the more you have to lose. I don't want to focus on these negative feelings, to give power to them, but they are there.
So instead of sleeping, I'm up worrying about Gertrude's foot. The infant you has taught me a lot about living in the moment. We have to enjoy what we have now and take everything as it comes. Instead of worrying, I try to feel grateful I have so much love to worry over. I continue to hope though; hope that you will be able to remember her, and the paw she was able to put in your lap.
No comments:
Post a Comment