Michigan Time

I love it that you can't tell time. Every night you won't go to sleep until 1 a.m. Every night! I was worried when we came to Michigan, which is in an earlier time zone, you would keep me up until 2 a.m. However, I showed you the clock and you were fooled into going to bed at 1 a.m., which is actually only midnight your time. Ha! Sucker.

My Opinion

You are the fucking cutest baby in the whole world. Especially at tub time. I can't take it.

(Don't use that f word at school, ok?)

Waiting.

I've been waiting to hear you laugh. I think I've heard it a few times, but I'm not sure. When its a real laugh, I'll know.

There's a certain reoccurring rhythm here. When I was pregnant, I kept waiting to feel you moving inside, but at first I wasn't sure. I thought, is this just gas? Then it got stronger and I knew. It was you.

When I was close to your due date, I kept wondering what going into labor would feel like. Was that it? No, I think, that was just a muscle spasm or a back ache. Then it started for real, and I knew it was time.

After you were born, I wanted to see you smile. I kept wondering, is that real smile or just you moving your face around in a random way. Then one day, you looked at me and smiled and I knew it was just for me.

I can't wait to hear you laughing!

We Look Good Together!

A Study of Thora's Mood Transitions

Asleep, awake, pissed off!

Your Six Week Birthday Scotch

Another milestone passed. Your sixth week birthday. This one was more for me then for you, as the sixth week finally marks my official passage out of the post-partum recovery period. I was given the green light to go back to exercise and a regular sex life (you don't need to know what this is until much later, like after you're 21). On occasions like this, there is only one thing you can do. Have a nice alcoholic beverage. (You can also find out about this AFTER you are 21). We have a very fancy bottle of scotch we bought for after our wedding; a delicious small batch whiskey from the Isle of Islay, Caol Ila is light yet peaty, hinting of a slight breeze of salty sea air which wafts through the distillery. At $100 a bottle, its delicious and costly enough to only come out when celebrating true red letter days. So beside your six week birthday, we were really toasting to your general existence.

So, down the hatch, to you!

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

But Thora, we're not going there. So....

Tub Time Surprise

At the 5/6 week mark you've been checkin things out. Tonight, while in your bath, you made two earth shattering discoveries.



1. You discovered that water is different from air. It feels different when you have your footsies below water then above. Whoa!

1. You are beginning to suspect about cause and effect. You kicked your foot and some water splashed on you. You were flabbergasted. You spent a lot of time kicking around and we both shared the effect of this discovery.

Its amazing to me to watch you marvel over things which I take for granted. This is almost an understatement. I take them so for granted, it almost would not occur to me that anyone would need to discover them. The wonderment in your eyes during your little escapades makes me so happy, I don't think I can explain. Its just transcendentally awesome.

I'm also amazed at how much water you can splash around for such a small little peanut.

Safty

Always remember, you're safer when you've got your helmet on.

A New Set Of Worries

Dear Thora,

You are sleeping right now, and so I should be sleeping too, but I can't. I'm awake with worry.

Do you remember Gertrude at all? I have a sad feeling Gertrude won't live long enough for you to have any memories of her. You will just think of her as the rescue mastiff Mom and Dad had when I was a baby.



Gertrude is sick right now. Not with anything super serious, she has an infected paw which is swollen to the size of a grapefruit. Its her shaking paw. She always puts it up in people's lap and they think she's trying to shake hands with them. Really, its just because that is her weak leg, but it makes people feel special, so I never mention this.

We're taking her to the Vet tomorrow, and hopefully it won't be anything to serious or expensive to treat. But I'm still worried. I worry because I hate to see her obviously in pain. Her being sick, even with something I'm sure is not too serious, makes me think of her mortality. She was at least 5 or older when we got her two years ago, and Mastiffs, generally don't live past 10 years. So, at best, we probably only have a handful of years. I want so badly for you to grow up together, but that may not happen. We have to take what we get.

Having you has created a whole new depth of love in my life. I see everything as more precious and special. The downside of this, is I also see the fragility of life. The more you have, the more you have to lose. I don't want to focus on these negative feelings, to give power to them, but they are there.

So instead of sleeping, I'm up worrying about Gertrude's foot. The infant you has taught me a lot about living in the moment. We have to enjoy what we have now and take everything as it comes. Instead of worrying, I try to feel grateful I have so much love to worry over. I continue to hope though; hope that you will be able to remember her, and the paw she was able to put in your lap.

bras = authority

I was a bit nervous when you were born a girl. I've never been master of the whole feminine thing. I mean, I wear make-up, (most of the time) and I keep myself clean (most of the time), but I've never been that into all the muss and fuss it take to appear like a put together woman.

We'll see how you turn out, but I have a feeling you may be very girly, as a rebellion against my inabilities in this area. You're going to be wanting to wear designer this and low cut that.

I'm dreading talking about bras. I HATE bras. In my book, bras = authority, and I resent authority. I do wear one occasionally but I like to avoid it, if possible. When one is found on my person, I want it to be black or skin tone. I hate white bras.

Right before you were born, I decided I should probably get a nursing bra. So, I just went to Target and got whatever they had. Unfortunately, they only had a white one in my size. I hate white bras! I got it anyway, because I was too lazy to go anywhere else.

When my Mom, (your Grandma) was visiting after you were born, I was complaining about this white bra. I was also suffering from hemorrhoids at the time. (Yes, this is an important detail. I suffered so much bringing you into the world!) She was making me a big pot of sitz bath tea to soak my sore nether regions, when she got the inspired idea of dying the bra in the tea to attempt to get a skin tone. So we did.



It sort of worked. So I'm sitting here, nursing you now, with a tie dyed looking, brownish-orangish bra. Oh well, its not white. Keeping this in mind, please don't expect to be getting any fancy underwear until you can get it yourself.

We Have Fun Together

Karate Kid

Its fun watching you when you're awake. Well, not when you're crying. Then I'm too focused on feeling like a horrible Mom. But when you're alert and happy, you lay on your back with your eyes open looking around. You like to practice moving your muscles in no particular order. Your face can be smiling one minute but then will change into the crazed maniacal look of the delighted insane. Suddenly though, out of the corner of your eyes, you're shooting me with a suspicious knowing glance, as if you know all the bad things I've done.

You move your arms and legs around a lot. You look like you're conducting a symphony while getting in a karate fight, .

You also like to lay around naked. This I understand. I mean, who doesn't.

Insurance Card

I got your insurance card in the mail today. It beat your official birth certificate and social security card in the mail, so its the first official paperwork we have with your name on it. You are now in the System. I wrote that like I was excited, and then I realized, oh no! You're in the System now. This little card represents a lifetime of medical bills and red tape wrangling. I guess this is a bittersweet moment.

Smiles

You smiled at me for the first time today! You've smiled before, but often it just comes before a poop. Or, you're moving your face around and a smile gets jumbled in. But today, you were looking around and then your eyes focused on me. When I said "Hi Thora" in my most motherly way, you gave me a smile. It was amazing! I love you.

Alone Together

Dear Thora,

I know you must look at your Dad and I as being your Dad and your Mom, but up until recently, we were just Ira and Andrea. Having you around is the best thing we could imagine, but it has changed things in many ways, and we are having a tough time figuring out how all those changes affect our lives, especially our relationship with each other.

You take up a lot of time and energy. I don't know if its more then I thought, but it is a lot. Everything I used to be able to do whenever I wanted, now has to be squeezed into the few 1 hour time slots here and there when you are sleeping. It causes me to feel a bit frantic whenever I'm doing anything, because I always feel like I should try to get it done as quickly as possible, so I can try to get a nap in too while you are sleeping.

Thats just me, just for the things I want to do for myself. Meanwhile, when he finds the time, Ira is doing things for himself. So, to find time where both of us are available in these time slots to do something together hasn't happened much, if at all. We do things with all three of us, which is amazing! But, as much as we love being a family, we love having time to just be alone.

Before you were born, I read all kinds of books telling me what I could probably expect and the topic came up of how the relationship changes between the Mom and Dad after the baby arrives. I thought we love each other so much, our love will carry us through. I realize now how naive that was.

So what's the answer? This is one of the many times you find, where Mom doesn't know. We're just going to do the best we can. And maybe call some friends to come and hang out with you, so we can go ride our motorcycles. That seems like a good answer. I'll let you know how it goes.

Geyser

You poop a lot. Obviously, right? I mean, they always say all babies do is sleep and eat and poop. I knew this was true, I just didn't realize how true it is. I spend all day changing your diapers. Its sort of a game. You like this game. You have a wet diaper, so I change you. A clean diaper signals that its poop time. I change you again, and then you poop in that one, and then I wait. I've learned my lesson, you're going to sit in poop for a few minutes until I'm sure you're done. 15 minutes go by and I think, OK, we're clear now. Diaper is changed and guess what? You poop again.

I don't trust your butt. Sometimes I'll be in the act of changing you and you switch it up to keep me on my toes. I'll lift up your bottom end to give it the ol' wiperoo and that's when you let loose. Its like a shimmering yellow geyser straight out the poop shoot; poo all over everything. Its shocking. Why, oh why did I think I could change you without getting out of bed?

4 Weeks

You were born four weeks ago today. Technically it will be a month on Friday, but today is Wednesday and you were born on a Wednesday morning. In the past, I always thought it was sort of stupid how people would say, when asked how old a baby was, oh they're 19 months. Like why don't you just say a year and a half, but now I get it. Every day you count. I'm OK with 19 months now. I would also not gripe if the answer was 575 days old. Birth is such a turning point in life, such an awesomely huge experience that it makes sense to count each moment past it. Well, today you're 29 days old. Its been a crazy ride so far. You're pretty awesome and I made you. You're kind of (whispering...) the best looking baby in the world. Don't tell anyone I said that.

I can't wait for...well everything. You're the best.

Wet Noodle

I was really afraid of handling you when you were born. It was super awkward. I was convinced I was going to accidentally break your neck or snap one of your arms off. Now, I realize you are just a giant wet noodle. Yes, noodles can still tear in half or be dropped on the floor, but they won't break in half; not if they are wet. So now-a-days, I just throw you around haphazardly, calling you my little rice noodle.

I also call you:

peanut
stinker
stinker bell
stink bomb
snoooty patooty
thorasaurus
and
the goddess of thunder and rock and roll.

Creating Community

You're the first friend I ever built! I mean I had help from your Dad, but you're not old enough to know about that yet.

Is it too late?

Dear Thora,

I wanted to start this blog as a letter to you before I knew who you were. I wanted to write letters while I was pregnant to tell you all about my experiences and who I was, so you'd one day get to read about who your Mom was before she was your Mom. When I think of my Mom, I always think of my MOM. But I realize now, there was a time before she was a Mom; she was Mary. I wanted you to know Andrea.

I set up the blog and even designed a banner for it, but I never wrote anything. Everyday I would try to get myself to write something, and everyday I didn't. Things came up, or what I started to write sounded dumb. I knew I was writing to my unborn child, so I wanted everything to be perfect, but I could never get my words to be perfect. So I just didn't write anything.

And then.... You were born! Yay!

And I still wanted to write you letters. I knew you were a girl, not just a generic baby, a little "dude" which I originally thought could represent any gender. But I've kept finding excuses not to write to you. You're going to be a month old next week. Now, more then ever, do I understand that time is precious! I don't want you to think of your Mom as someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do. So I'm going to write these letters.

I do feel badly I let my whole pregnancy with you go undocumented. A woman can only be pregnant for the first time, once. Its such a crazy experience, and you learn so much from it, that when you're through it, you'll never be the same person. I know I've changed already. I remember how I felt, but some of the nuances are lost. I really value the nuances of life, so I mourn the undocumented moments. However, your future is, pardon the tom petty reference, wide open, so we shouldn't feel too bad about lost moments, but only look forward.

I know these won't be perfect, but I guess at 20 days old, you're now old enough to be told one of the most important secrets of life. You're Mom is not perfect. I love you though.

Sincerely,

Andrea (your Mom)